Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
