Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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