Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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