i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
