I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
