What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
