I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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