New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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