Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
