I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
