fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
