don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
