Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
