dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
