the condom got lost in my hair
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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