Your dad touched me again.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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