just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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