I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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