yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
