I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
