Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize