His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
