I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
