Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
