I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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