As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
