he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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