Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
