maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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