So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
