and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
