____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
