the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
