Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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