saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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