Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
When are your genitals available?
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