He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
