And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
