im about as happy as oj after his trial
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
