you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize