HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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