Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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