My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize