K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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