The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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