Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
