The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
