I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
