I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
