You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
