No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
