Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
