Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
