remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
