I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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