Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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