remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
