like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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